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Coronavirus Diary
Sunday 31st May 2020 Day 69
Having spent the last fourteen days in self-imposed quarantine, tomorrow, we plan to bring my daughters back home from Coventry, just in time to avoid them paying another month’s rent.
I have that same feeling of excitement the night before you go on holiday (remember those?). Only this time, we’re going to Coventry. Excited to drive to Coventry … now, there’s a phrase you don’t hear everyday.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one…
The Seven Dwarfs have been told that, from Monday, they can meet up in groups of six… one of them isn’t Happy.
Saturday 30th May 2020 Day 68
Sixty-eight days of coronavirus restrictions, and we can be forgiven for dreaming about what we are going to enjoy when life returns to normal…
• Going to a restaurant to celebrate the girls’ 21st Birthday, our 25th Anniversary and my parents’ 60th Wedding Anniversary.
• Visiting friends and family.
• Going on holiday.
• Going to the pub.
• Not having to wash your hands 7000 times a day.
• Not having to wash the shopping.
• Taking a flight to Glasgow.
• Having a decent night’s sleep.
• Meeting at the photography club.
• Not worrying about the r-value.
• Not hearing myself say ‘Good news, only 324 deaths today’!
Chinese Proverb…
All men eat, but Fu Man Chu.
Must pick up some Sunscreen
Friday 29th May 2020 Day 67
Despite a further 377 deaths yesterday, we wake to the news that the government feels it is time to start relaxing the lockdown restrictions further. Some youngsters will be able to return to school on Monday 1st June, outdoor shops and car showrooms may re-open and groups of up to six people are permitted to meet outdoors, or even in back gardens, from Monday. Further relaxation of the measures should follow two weeks later, with some secondary school pupils returning and non-essential retail re-opening. One thing is certain, the road out of lockdown is rather more bumpy than the route in.
Camera Wars
Canon make the lenses sublime,
Nikon users, best stick to prime.
Sony offers a good compromise,
Olympus, if you prefer small size,
Praktica, a high-quality compact,
Panasonic, for high definition impact.
Pentax, sharpness in return,
Hasselblad, if you’ve money to burn.
Fujifilm, best of the lot?
GoPro, grab an action shot.
All this choice, I can’t decide,
Best keep the iPhone, by my side….
#BadPoetsSociety
Chinese Proverb…
Man who streaks is unsuited for his work.
Progress… Olympus Style
Thursday 28th May 2020 Day 66
On the day the death-toll from coronavirus, in the USA, passes the milestone of 100,000, the UK government launch a test and trace system. This involves anyone who tests positive for the virus being asked to list the people they have had close contact with, so that NHS tracers can contact people who may have been infected, requiring them to remain in quarantine for 14 days.
This is another Boris. Boris is our seven-year old black cat. A name chosen unrelated to, the then Lord Mayor of London, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. In those seven years, Boris has been more trouble than all of our other cats put together. He was diagnosed with the catty equivalent of asthma, he went missing for eight days, probably locked in a neighbour’s garage while they were on holiday, and he’s now had an eye removed due to an ulcer. He’s cost us more in vet’s bills than any other pet, but he’s still the same handsome, smart, adorable Boris. Today, I challenged myself to name 10 other notorious Boris’s…
Boris Johnson
Boris Becker
Boris Karloff
Boris Spassky
Boris Yeltsin
Boris Pasternak
Boris Godunov*
Boris the Spider (The Who)**
Boris the Bold***
Boris the Black Cat
… then I ran out of Boris’s.
I once saw a blue Barclays ‘Boris bike’ in Gibraltar! I wonder what is the furthest location one of Boris’s bikes has been found outside London? I promise never to write a diary entry including the word ‘Boris’ nineteen times ever again!
Chinese Proverb…
Man who go camping must beware of evil intent.
*Thank you, Tony.
**Thank you, Simon.
***Thank you, Mick.
Wednesday 27th May 2020 Day 65
Sorting through some old photographs, I found this picture of my old MG. 32 years ago, I bought a rare 1973 MGB Roadster Automatic in the colour Black Tulip. Indeed, rare as rocking-horse droppings, as Jeremy Clarkson would say. In fact, the factory at Abingdon manufactured just one automatic roadster each month between 1967 and 1973, so just 72 in total. Not quite a ‘barn-find’, but this MG was a rather neglected example, filthy on the outside and unloved on the inside. Once home, I remember removing the seats, shampooing the carpets and scrubbing everything clean. Once we had fitted a new hood, refurbished the Rostyle wheels, T-cut and polished the paintwork, the purple-peril was good to go. Not quite concourse condition, but not far off it. A great second car to run about in on high days and holidays, and a fabulous car to drive. Have to say, I sold it, some years later, at a considerable profit. I remember two young ladies from Cheshire visited us to inspect the MG within a few days of the advertisement. They bought it there and then, paid in cash and drove it away. The moment I saw it disappear out of the close, I regretted my decision to sell it.
Chinese Proverb…
Those who live in glass houses should change clothes in basement.
1973 MGB Roadster Automatic, photographed in 1988, alongside my BMW
Tuesday 26th May 2020 Day 64
Most of the newspapers lead with reports of Dominic Cummings’ press conference yesterday, ‘No Regrets, No Apology’. He certainly seems to be bullet-proof. As the number of deaths in the UK, due to coronavirus, continues to fall gradually, the Prime Minister confirms that some children will be able to return to school on Monday 1st June and all non-essential shops will be able to re-open from Monday 15th June, provided appropriate social distancing measures are in place.
Wine in Lockdown – The Bored-Eaux
To the tune of Billy Joel’s ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’…
Pinot Grigot, Zinfandel,
Barefoot, Hirondelle,
Chenin Blanc, Semillon,
Cabernet, Sauvignon.
Jacob’s Creek, Merlot,
Isla Negra, Prosecco,
Spanish Rioja, Beaujolais,
Pinot Noir, Chardonnay.
Bordeaux, Oxford Landing,
Champagne, Riesling,
Malbec, Syrah,
Vouvray, Kumala.
Moët Chandon, Pinot Gris,
Viognier, Chablis,
Pinotage, White Grenache,
Madeira Wine, Mateus.
Blue Nun, Verdejo,
Blossom Hill, Gallo,
Chateauneuf, Carignan,
Freixenet, Lanson.
Turner Road, Monastrelle
Tuscan, La Rochelle,
Cava Brut, Taitinger,
Which wine, do you prefer?
#BadPoetsSociety
Chinese Proverb…
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Monday 25th May 2020 Day 63
The Lego Porsche is progressing well. Not sure what will become of the Lego models when this is all over. Also, not sure what will become of Boris Johnson’s government when this is all over. Yesterday, Boris stood by his senior aide, Dominic Cummings and dodged the tricky questions during the daily briefing. Nearly all of the daily newspapers suggest that there is chaos inside Downing Street, after Mr Cummings clearly flouted the rules introduced by his own party to reduce the spread of coronavirus. In other news, The Daily Star reports that actress, Liz Hurley has had her handbag stolen…
I’ve liked having lots of Time
I don’t wish to complain,
I’ve liked having lots of time.
Time to talk, time to think,
Time to enjoy a glass of wine.
When lockdown’s finally lifted,
I’ll enjoy my time once more.
Time with friends, time with family,
Travelling a bit more than before.
#BadPoetry has kept me busy,
As I’ve struggled to think of a rhyme.
Maybe I’ll carry on after lockdown,
I’ve liked having lots of time.
Chinese Proverb…
Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Sunday 24th May 2020 Day 62
The lockdown period has brought significant sacrifices to us all, such as restricted travel and not being able to visit loved ones. No wonder the newspapers are gunning for Dominic Cummings, the government’s senior advisor, this morning, on learning that he thought it acceptable to drive over 250 miles to be near his parents in Durham for a few weeks in March, and then back to London.
The extended period of lockdown, has been the perfect opportunity to ponder some of life’s unanswered questions:
• If you can’t spell the word in the first place, how do they expect you to find it in the dictionary?
• Why is there a light in the fridge, but not in the freezer?
• If you set your toaster to ‘9’, the toast comes out cremated. Who uses that setting?
• Why is dyslexia such a difficult word to spell?
• When you ring a wrong number, how come they always pick up?
• If the world was created in seven days, how come they still haven’t finished building that house round the corner yet?
• Why doesn’t eyebrow hair continue to grow, so that you could comb it into ‘curtains’ for your eyes?
• Whatever happened to Pop-Idol winner Will Young?
• If tomorrow never comes, why don’t we just drop it from the dictionary altogether?
• What do you call a male Lady Bird?
• Why is it called a building when it is already built?
• If it is illegal to drink and drive, why do pubs have car parks?
• Rather than increase the national debt, why doesn’t the government just print some more money and pay furloughed workers cash-in-hand?
• Rule of thumb: ‘i’ comes before ‘e’, except lots of times it doesn’t.
• What do sheep count at night, when they can’t get to sleep?
• Why do we ponder unanswerable questions when we can’t sleep?
.
Chinese Proverb…
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Saturday 23rd May 2020 Day 61
Our ninth weekend spent in isolation, the tenth for me. I don’t know what they do to the clocks as you get older....
2020: A Pace Oddity
The days they seem to drag,
But the weeks they fly by.
Already we’ve reached week nine,
And soon it will be July.
The days turn into weeks,
And the weeks turn into months.
We’ve been robbed of 2020,
Let’s hopes this happens just the once.
We’ll miss the Olympic Games,
The Euros 2020, too,
But ‘Match of the Day’ continues,
With old fixtures for us to view.
One day this will all be over,
And a ‘new normal’ will take its place.
And I can leave #BadPoetry,
Out there in cyber-space.
Chinese Proverb…
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Friday 22nd May 2020 Day 60
Another Alexa playlist as we look forward to seeing the lockdown restrictions relaxed further:
We’ll be Together (Sting) as we are Movin’ Out (Billy Joel), so, You Can Finally Meet my Mom (Train), but only From a Distance (Bette Midler). I’ve been Biding’ my Time (Willard White) but now We’ve Gotta Get Out of This Place (The Animals), but still, you’re Never Ever Getting Rid of Me (Sara Bareilles). Anyway, How Long Has This Been Going On (Gershwin), because When Tomorrow Comes (Eurythmics), we’ll be singing Here Comes the Summer (The Undertones) and, hopefully not, Merry Christmas Everybody (Slade). Until then we’ll carry on Living in a Box (Living in a Box), because we Don’t Get Around Much Anymore (Tony Bennett). At least, I Think We’re Alone Now (Tiffany).
Stop me if you’ve heard this one…
Police are searching for a gang who are distributing counterfeit Mr Kipling Bakewell Tarts. A spokesman said they make exceedingly good fakes.
Hand-writing
Thursday 21st May 2020 Day 59
Received a message, out-of-the-blue, from Andy, my old tennis coach, who I haven’t seen in about 25 years. A great guy and a majestic tennis player. A man of many talents, who could ride a unicycle at the same time as juggling with tennis rackets! He was capable of beating me even while riding his unicycle! We once practised at Andy’s club in Kenilworth, at the top of a hill in gale-force winds. With the wind behind me, I managed to serve the ball into Coventry! With the wind in my face, I couldn’t even clear the net. We practised mostly indoors at the Norman Green Centre in Solihull. I recall once serving an ace past Andy, upon which he retrieved a silver trophy from the cabinet and placed it on the court to mark the very spot for posterity. I failed to disturb that trophy for the remaining two hours!
Having played tennis regularly as a youngster, I re-discovered wheelchair tennis some years after my accident. Back then, the sport was in its infancy and, together with four other friends, we became quite good, quite quickly. In the early ‘90s we enjoyed the opportunity to compete in a number of tournaments, raising the profile of the game, happy to be part of a growing number of wheelchair tennis players. The final competitive game I ever played was at the prestigious British Open in Nottingham, in 1996. I reached the quarter finals, where I was knocked out by another British guy, in the best game I ever played. A tie-break in the final set. Without Andy and the other members of the fab five, I would have been happy hitting the ball against the sports-hall wall at College every night. Happy days, indeed…
On the practice courts in Nottingham in 1995
Chinese Proverb…
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
Wednesday 20th May 2020 Day 58
On the day Colonel Captain Sir Thomas Moore is knighted for his fundraising efforts for the NHS, Helen and I celebrate our Silver Wedding Anniversary, home alone and still in quarantine…
Still in Quarantine
No matter where we go,
The r-value needs to stay low.
No matter how far we disperse,
We must ‘stay alert’.
No matter who can’t see,
We need the PPE.
No matter which one is best,
We need an antibody test.
No matter who’s not listening,
We must keep social-distancing.
No matter what are your plans,
Just keep washing your hands.
No matter what they say,
Covid’s not gone away.
No matter how it seems,
I’m still in quarantine.
#BadPoetsSociety
‘Alexa, Play She Makes My Day by Robert Palmer’.
Tuesday 19th May 2020 Day 57
In the UK, the politicians wrestle with the possibility that some children might be able to return to school at the beginning of June, provided that the number of new infections continues to fall, and appropriate social distancing is in place. In the US, President Trump reveals he is taking the unproven drug, hydroxychloroquine to ward off the virus. One wonders if that’s the only drug he is taking.
Many of the daily newspapers report that the UK may have turned a corner with the virus, with the death toll falling to its lowest level for almost two months. The Daily Star leads with the headline 'Aliens are dumber than Uranus'… priceless.
4:38am Something I don’t mind
Something I don’t mind,
Is the feeling of
Being confined.
Something I don’t hate,
Is when Boris told us, you
‘Have to wait'.
Something I don’t mind,
Is having lots of time,
Time to unwind.
Something I don’t dread,
Is not sleeping a wink,
When I go to bed.
Something I don’t mind,
Is the time
We’ve spent quarantined.
But one thing I find is a crime,
When I can’t make
My bl**dy poem rhyme.
#BadPoetryAnthology
Yesterday, was officially a difficult day. The results of yesterday’s challenge:
Chinese Proverb…
Man who keeps feet firmly on ground, have trouble pulling on trousers.
Monday 18th May 2020 Day 56
Happy 21st Birthday to our beautiful twin daughters Eloise and Amelia! Who would have guessed we would be spending your 21st birthday apart, but at least you have each other. You came into this world together and thankfully you can spend your special day together. Together, alone. The bond you have is unique and unbreakable. We could not be more proud of all you have achieved, and we could not be more proud of the fortitude you have shown during the isolation of the past 8 weeks. Your future will be brighter, your spirit even stronger, as a result of recent times. One thing is certain, you will not forget your 21st birthday in a hurry! Enjoy your Wiggles the Caterpillar Cake! See you soon.
Today, I challenge you to re-create this picture.
Amelia & Eloise
'Alexa, Play Happy Birthday on Amelia's Echo Dot'.
Sunday 17th May 2020 Day 55
Managed to have some shopping delivered over to the girls in Coventry ready for their birthday tomorrow. Linguists amongst you, please forgive the ambiguity of the previous sentence. We haven’t sent supplies to every girl in Coventry, but two particular girls. Perhaps the insertion of a few commas might help, 'over to the girls, in Coventry, ready for their birthday'. Or, better still, 'over to the girls, who are currently living in Coventry, ready for their birthday'. Or, even better, 'my daughters, who are currently residing in Coventry, ready for…'.
Just to be clear, every female in the Coventry area should not be expecting a food delivery, at my expense, from Tesco today. Not even all those who are celebrating a birthday tomorrow. Just Eloise and Amelia. Hope Professor Pinker isn’t reading today.
In other news, I have managed to interpret the Government’s road-map through the medium of #BadPoetry:
> Step 5… the NHS is at risk,
Total lockdown is the only fix.
> Step 4… the virus spreads so fast,
Keep your distance we are asked.
> Step 3… the virus is still around,
New ways of working must be found.
> Step 2… the transmission is quite low,
Minimal social distance is the way to go.
> Step 1… Covid-19 has all but gone,
Life returns to normal, we can be as-one.
#BadPoetsSociety
Saturday 16th May 2020 Day 54
Our eighth Saturday since the lockdown began. Six months ago, if someone had suggested we would have months of confinement due to a virus, I would have accused them of watching too much science fiction, but here we are…
Ode for Mick
Shepherd’s Neame, tastes so good,
Fusion Moor, aged in wood,
Old Peculiar, Bombardier,
Which of these is your favourite beer?
Ruddles County, tastes divine,
Milk Stout, Barley Wine,
Newkie Brown, Rusty Nail,
What’s your favourite glass of ale?
Timmy Taylor’s, a great jar
Hen’s Tooth, Doom Bar,
Fursty Ferret, to name a few,
Which d’ya think, is the best brew?
Bishop’s Finger, some like best,
Brew Dog, DRK West,
Tinnies at home, every night,
Bet you’re looking forward to a proper pint!
#BadPoetsSociety
Chinese Proverb…
May the birds fly upside down, the day you wash your car.
Friday 15th May 2020 Day 53
A significant anniversary in our family for a couple of reasons, one of which is very happy, indeed. On this day, 26 years ago, at a Billy Joel concert, I asked my gorgeous wife Helen to marry me. I’ll let Radio 2’s Johnny Walker do the honours…. Click here to listen.
In other news, the UK is feeling optimistic about a new antibody test and, in the US, President Trump chooses to ignore the advice of his chief epidemiologist, who suggested opening the economy and re-opening schools could cause a second peak of the virus…
Chinese Proverb…
At least a broken watch is right twice a day…
Thursday 14th May 2020 Day 52
Ode to the Single Malt
Aberfeldy, Aberlour
Ben Nevis, Bowmore.
Craigellachie, Dalwhinnie,
Dufftown, Edradour.
Finlaggan, Glen Moray,
Glenfiddich, Glen Spey.
Highland Park, Invergordon,
The Jura, Kinnivey.
Laphroaig, Macallan,
North Point, Oban.
Port Charlotte, Royal Lochnagar,
Speyside, Springbank.
Speyburn, Strathisla,
Tamdhu, Talisker,
Tobermory, Wolfburn,
All consumed in lockdown.
#BathPoethsSoshietee
Wednesday 13th May 2020 Day 51
The lockdown measures in the UK are eased a little from today, meaning some people can return to work where it is safe to do so, and it is permitted to meet a friend or family member in the park, in order to have a socially-distanced conversation. I anticipate lots of stories about people interpreting the new rules to suit themselves, hoping to excuse bad behaviour. Lock-clowns.
Our cruise holiday was cancelled today. We cancelled last year’s cruise after I was taken to hospital with sepsis. This is becoming a bad habit.
The number of deaths caused by this terrible pandemic has reached almost 33,000 in the UK. I am reminded that there are many thousands of families out there suffering things much worse than the disappointment of a cancelled luxury cruise...
Started a new project today, the Lego Porsche 911 RSR. Boys and their toys…
Just as you thought my sense of humour was on strike…
Last night, I watched a documentary about how cruise ships are held together… riveting!
‘Alexa, play Sailing by Rod Stewart.’
Tuesday 12th May 2020 Day 50
Some things I have never done
There are some things, in this life,
I have never done.
I have never ridden a motorbike,
I have never danced for fun.
I have never been tattooed,
And I have never fired a gun.
There are some things,
I can honestly say.
I have never smoked a cigarette,
Or stolen, without stopping to pay.
I have never sung in public,
Or, indeed, acted in a play.
There are some things,
That would have been nice.
I have never skied down the slopes,
Or skated on the ice.
Never having published a book,
My #BadPoetry will suffice.
Maybe, lockdown is a good time to tick off one or two ‘nevers’ from the list. Strictly here we come! Perhaps a tattoo is more realistic?
Stop me if you’ve heard this one …
Why did they call it Brexit when they could have called it The Great British Break Off?
Monday 11th May 2020 Day 49
Last night’s statement by the Prime Minister outlined the government’s ‘road map’ for a possible exit strategy when the time is right to start lifting the restrictions. From Wednesday, workers who can return to work safely are encouraged to do so and leaving home to exercise more frequently, or sit in the sun while observing social distancing, will be permitted. I suspect Boris Johnson’s announcement will have raised more questions than it answered. The government’s ‘Stay at Home’ slogan has been modified to ‘Stay Alert, Control the Virus, Save Lives’. Too vague? Probably.
I suspect there is still a long road ahead before life returns to anything like normality. I am afraid activities like our cruise holiday, photo club meetings, or a visit to the pub are likely to be well down that road. It is true, lockdown is a ‘Coronacoaster’ of emotions. Some days you wake up feeling optimistic and fired-up… today, not so much. Roll-on tomorrow.
‘Alexa, play the song Patience by Take That’.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one …
My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'.
Sunday 10th May 2020 Day 48
This evening we eagerly await the Prime Minister’s television address, outlining the government’s plans for the next phase of the lockdown. I am managing to contain my excitement. I suspect any relaxation of restrictions will mean we can go outside twice-a-day and perhaps visit a garden centre, provided they can ensure social distancing.
In other news, there is much discussion regarding the resumption of Premiership football. When play was suspended back in March, my team, Liverpool were just 3 wins away from their first Premiership title in 30 years. However, completing the football season seems somewhat unimportant now. If games were to be played behind closed doors, I cannot imagine how a safe distance could be maintained between the players. Perhaps one team could come out for the first half and the other team for the second? Or, each team confined to their own half of the field, to ensure social distancing. Everton have been practising social distancing all season!
Sunday Best
I still believe in Sunday,
As being a day of rest,
And maybe it’s because I’m in lockdown,
I still like Sunday best.
‘Cos everyday in lockdown is a Sunday,
No time to get stressed.
This Sunday I might get out of bed,
Or maybe even get dressed.
I still believe in Sunday,
To indulge what’s important to me,
‘Cos everyday in lockdown is a Sunday,
More time for #BadPoetry.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one …
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
'Veggie Burger'
Saturday 9th May 2020 Day 47
If Shakespeare had written during lockdown:
‘All the world’s a stage, each man must play FIFA- 2020.’
(As You Like It)
‘Romeo, Romeo, we are furloughed aren’t we, Romeo?’
(Romeo & Juliet)
‘Lockdown, t’is the winter, spring and summer of our discontent.’
(Richard III)
‘Is this a Lager I see before me.’
(Macbeth)
‘To be, or not to be: do-be-do-be-do.’
(Sinatra’s Hamlet)
‘Some are born great, others thrust into the daily briefing and a little less comfortable.'
(Twelfth Night)
‘The lady doth projecteth the graphs too much, me thinks.’
(Hamlet)
‘Get thee to a hostelry.’
(Hamlet)
‘A rose by any name goes out to clap in the street.’
(Romeo & Juliet)
‘The better part of valour is self-isolation.’
(Henry IV Part I)
‘All that glisters Amazon sold.’
(The Merchant of Venice)
‘Friends, Romans, Countrymen, the longest April in years.’
(Julius Caesar)
‘The course of true love doth continue on Zoom.’
(A Midsummer Night’s Dream)
‘A horse! A horse! My loo-rolls for a horse, seems like a fair swap.’
(Richard III)
‘April, shall I compare thee to a summer’s day, for thou art more lovely and much longer than ever before.’
(Sonnet 18)
‘We will see better days.’
(Colonel Captain Timon of Athens)
Stop me if you’ve heard this one …
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
'Pointless'
Friday 8th May 2020 Day 46
Happy VE Day. Funny how quickly these Bank Holidays come round after we’ve just had a Bank Holiday April.
Astonishing that a gallon of petrol is now cheaper than a jar of hand-gel, FaceTiming the Pope is a more realistic prospect than a delivery slot at Sainsbury’s, a six pack of loo rolls is worth more than a barrel of crude oil, it is easier to find meth amphetamine on the high street than self-raising flour and the price of pasta sauce has dropped because no-one can find any pasta to go with it.
Lockdown has disrupted every aspect of our lives. Work, family, friendships, travel, pubs, clubs, sport, exercise, food, hobbies, pets, … the list is long. The impact is enormous and likely to continue for some time. Yet, one thing is certain. At the end of the day, we shall be ok … oh, and our taxes will rise.
Eminent Harvard Psychologist, Professor Steven Pinker, summed it up best for me when he said, ‘When this is all over, and this dreadful pandemic has wreaked its toll, all of the forces that made us connected will not have gone away.’
‘Alexa, play Something So Strong by Crowded House’.
Love It or Hate It?
Thursday 7th May 2020 Day 45
Dear Diary #BadPoetryAnthology
Dear diary of mine,
Am I wasting my time?
Imagining that they,
Might read this nonsense every day.
Dear diary, I puzzle
Why is lockdown such a struggle?
When you have all that you need
But only two mouths to feed.
Dear diary, listen up,
This is no storm-in-a-teacup.
Seven weeks, nearly
Without hugging those you love dearly!
Dear diary, it’s true,
We will manage to pull through.
But it is down to the fact,
We’ve got FaceTimeTM cracked.
Dear diary, I pray
We’ll be together again someday.
Until then, avoid anxiety,
By joining the #BadPoetsSociety.
Sorry about that, there’s not a lot that rhymes with anxiety.
In today’s briefing we expect the Prime Minister to announce that, on Sunday, he will outline the government’s ‘road map’ for a possible exit strategy from the lockdown. I suspect there may be some changes to the restrictions in place as early as Monday. Let’s hope we don’t do too much too soon.
‘Alexa, play Too Much Too Young by The Specials’.
Wednesday 6th May 2020 Day 44
On the day the number of deaths, from coronavirus, in the UK surpasses Italy’s total and the day one of the government’s senior scientific advisors resigns, The Sun newspaper leads with the headline ‘Prof Lockdown broke lockdown to get his trousers down’. Genius!
To quote William Shakespeare, ‘If music be the food of love, then why don’t rabbits play banjos?’. Something like that, anyway. Alexa has proved to be an invaluable digital assistant during this surreal and difficult time, entertaining us, informing us and reminding us. Reminding us of some great songs from a previous millennium.
‘Alexa, play my lockdown playlist.’
Dancing on the Ceiling (Lionel Ritchie)
I Want to be Free (Toyah)
The Longest Time (Billy Joel)
Things Can Only Get Better (D:ream)
I Couldn’t Sleep a Wink Last Night (Frank Sinatra)
Living on my Own (Freddie Mercury)
Left to my own Devices (Pet Shop Boys)
Stay (Shakespears Sister)
Breakout (Swing Out Sister)
Stuck Like Glue (Sugarland)
Patience (Take That)
Road to Nowhere (Talking Heads)
Mad World (Tears for Fears)
Empty Chairs at Empty Tables (Les Miserables)
I’m Going Slightly Mad (Queen)
Better Be Home Soon (Crowded House)
Let’s Stick Together (Bryan Ferry)
Stop me if you’ve heard this one …
What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.
Tuesday 5th May 2020 Day 43
Today, the trial of the ‘Track and Trace’ App commences on the Isle of Wight. An app with the world’s most unwelcome notification ‘Ping, you’ve just met someone who has the virus, go home for 14 days’.
Today, I publish the results of my own research regarding the amber nectar:
The Lockdown Single Malt #BadPoetryAnthology
While I’m drinking my Auchentoshen,
Eating more than enough hot meat pies.
I see my waist-line expanding,
Before my very eyes.
While I’m drinking my dram of Glenlivit,
And wondering when lockdown will end.
Will I meet up with friends and my family,
Before I go round the bend.
While I drink a double Glenmorangie,
And hope the r-value is low.
Each day I watch the briefing,
Hoping the graph has reached a plateau.
While I’m drinking a glass of Laphroaige,
All smoky and peaty supreme.
At this moment I am left wondering,
Could this all be just a bad dream?
When I reach for The Bowmore tonight,
I know there is no guarantee.
When this awful virus has wreaked its toll,
Will the world be a better place to be?
Now, I’ve had a Glenfiddich this evening,
And gone to bed well before ten.
I’m awake at four in the morning,
Writing #BadPoetry again.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one …
Son: Why is my sister’s name Paris?
Father: That’s where we were when she was conceived. Why do you ask Quarantine?
An English Breakfast
Monday 4th May 2020 Day 42
Let me be the first to wish you a very Happy Star Wars Day.
May the fourth …
Six weeks ago today, the Prime Minister announced we should ‘Stay at Home’, Protect the NHS, Save Lives’. Possibly, the government’s most successful slogan since ‘Don’t Die of Ignorance’ in the ‘80s. Well, what a lockdown Boris Johnson has experienced! First, he contracted the virus himself and almost died. Then, he became a father for (about) the fifth time, before returning to Downing Street to declare ‘We have passed the peak’.
In comparison my lockdown may seem somewhat uneventful. In the past six weeks, I have cleaned out the hamster’s cage a little more frequently than usual, collated a few videos for the photo club, developed a taste for single malt whisky, spoken to the microwave oven forgetting what Alexa looks like, and I have almost completed the Lego Land Rover. Possibly, the only Land Rover to be built in Solihull this month. Oh yes, and there was, of course, the #BadPoetry! I think I may have passed my peak!
Stop me if you’ve heard this one …
Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm, it would be called justwater.
The Only Difference Between Men and Boys … is the Size of the Toys
Sunday 3rd May 2020 Day 41
4:35am Life in Lockdown #BadPoetryAnthology
Well, we made it through,
We passed the peak,
We got so bored,
We could not sleep.
But, life in lockdown,
Seems to pass us by.
The two of us together,
Keeping our spirits high.
So, there they are,
In isolation too,
But thanks to FaceTime,
We ‘see’ you.
We miss you more and more
Each passing day.
But soon we’ll be together,
Helping to keep the blues away.
So, for now it is
Just me and you,
With little else
But chores to do.
Life in lockdown
Seems to pass us by.
You and me together
Writing #BadPoetry until July.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one …
Why do you never hear a psychologist go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
Saturday 2nd May 2020 Day 40
It is important to keep up-to-date with the latest lockdown lingo. After all, when this is all over, we will never again need to use these phrases:
Coronacoaster – the mood swings we all experience during lockdown, as in “It’s been an emotional coronacoaster”.
Locktails – experimental cocktails using whatever beverages you can find left over from Christmas. ‘Anyone for a rum, mulled wine, Baileys and Babycham locktail ?’.
PTS or Pots on Thursday Syndrome – an aching wrist after drumming on your saucepans on the doorstep every Thursday evening.
Pasta-source – your stockpile of dried pasta collected at the beginning of the coronavirus crisis.
Coronials – the generation of babies conceived during the current period of lockdown, because ‘there was nothing on the television’.
Furlough Merlot or Bored-eaux – wine consumed to alleviate the boredom of lockdown.
Coronadose – consuming too much Furlough Merlot.
Panicdemic – watching and reading too much bad news.
The Elephant in the Zoom – when one of the participants in your online pub quiz is still wearing their pyjamas, or hasn’t made their bed, or has really terrible wallpaper.
Covidiot or lockclown – a selfish person not following social distancing rules.
Antisocial distancing – crossing the road during your daily walk to avoid neighbours you would rather not to talk to.
Coughin’ dodger – a person who has a look of horror and crosses the road every time they hear the slightest cough or splutter.
Covid-10 – the 10Ibs in weight we’ll all have to lose when this is all over.
‘Alexa, play Eloise by The Damned on Amelia’s Echo Dot (in Coventry)’
Friday 1st May 2020 Day 39
Goodbye to the longest April in history. The hottest April in the UK on record possibly. As we head towards the end of week 6 of lockdown, the devil makes work for idle hands:
Thursdays I go outside to clap
Monday in lockdown is hard to face,
Tuesdays seem to have no pace,
Wednesday and the next day, overlap,
But on Thursdays I go outside to clap.
Friday in lockdown is hard to bear,
Saturday little better, to be fair.
Sundays enough to send you madcap,
But on Thursdays I go outside to clap.
Another week to make you frown,
Everyday’s a Sunday in lockdown.
My attempts at poetry may be cr*p,
But on Thursdays I go outside to clap.
I can only apologise. #Badpoetryanthology
Stop me if you’ve heard this one …
I looked deep into her eyes, deep into the pools of azure blue and my heart skipped a beat. I felt a connection, an emotional bond, something magical. I was transported to another place and I thought, ‘Blimey these binoculars are brilliant!’. #SocialDistancingJoke2020
Rest of 2020 | June 2020 | May 2020 | April 2020 | March 2020
